After Henry is discharged from the Army in April 1946, he goes straight to Mexico for a 2 week stay. He is back at home on the farm in Indiana when this letter from Esperanza arrives.
"Tomorrow I will eat with the old one, he is here, in the city, he came to fight with me, and he insists that you don't need me for anything."
Henry wrote on the envelope - Received June 14, Answered June 14 - and he enclosed a letter to B. Traven.
Mexico D.F.
11 de junio de 1946
Heni:
Necesito escribirte una carta, una larga carta en la que pueda explicarte todo lo que siento y lo que pienso. ¡Cuantas horas hemos perdido! Pensar que los pocos días que pudimos gozar, íntegramente de la felicidad de tenernos uno al otro después de los horribles años de angustia que estuvimos separados, los pasamos discutiendo de política y vagando por la selva entre gentes extrañas. Dios mío qué idiotas somos, bien merecemos por ello el castigo que hoy sufrimos. Me parece que no podía soportar tu ausencia, y sin embargo la soportaré. Ahora mis ideas son tan confusas tengo el corazón tan lleno de amargura que me parece difícil hacerte comprender lo que me ocurre. ¿Cómo es posible admirarte, amarte de esta manera y querer y respetar tanto a los míos que no me es posible herirlos a ellos y si tengo valor para hacerte sufrir a ti? No entiendo Heni no puedo comprender. Tu crees que soy dura, hasta has llegado a pensar que no te quiero. Si me vieras en estos momentos tal vez podrías saber cuánto te quiero y cuánto me atormenta no tener derecho a quererte, siento que desde que te fuiste he envejecido diez años. Pienso, trato de entender y sólo puedo repetir algo que leí en alguna parte y que dice: "Qué agonía la del vivir, alma mía, ¿porqué te quiero? Si estoy contigo me matas y si estoy sin ti me muero." Esa es la verdad. Ayúdame Heni, tú eres más fuerte, más noble, más inteligente que yo. Yo soy cobarde y necia. Realmente no merezco tu amor mi tu devoción, valgo tan poco, que no soy capaz ni de enfrentarme al remordimiento. Romper este circulo de bondad y de cariño que me rodea, esta mas allá de mis fuerzas. ¿Cómo puedes tu querer tan hondamente a quien no es capaz de sacrificar nada por ti? Y sin embargo, te pido que me ayudes, que le robes a tu vida algunas horas y me las días. Haz todo lo posible para que pueda verte en diciembre. ¿Mas pensado ya en lo que hablamos respecto a tu estudio de leyes? ¿ Estás haciendo lo posible por encontrar lugar en la universidad?
Mañana comeré con el viejo, está aquí, en la ciudad, vino para pelear conmigo, e insiste en que tú no necesitas de mí para nada. Dice que "nunca dejarás de viajar" y que yo sólo seré una estación en tu camino. Una estación muy querida tal vez pero en la que únicamente se espera la salida del tren. Él es viejo y sabe mucho, tal vez en final de cuentas esa sea la verdad.
E
Mexico D.F.
June 11, 1946
Heni:
I need to write you a letter, a long letter in which I can explain to you everything I feel and what I think. How many hours we have lost! To think that the few days we were able to enjoy the happiness of having each other after the horrible years of anguish that we were separated, we spent them discussing politics and wandering in the jungle among strange people. My God what idiots we are, we well deserve the punishment we suffer today. It seems to me that I could not bear your absence, and yet I will bear it. Now my ideas are so confused, my heart is so full of bitterness that I find it difficult to make you understand what is happening to me. How is it possible to admire you, to love you in this way and to love and respect my people so much that it is not possible for me to hurt them and if I have the courage to make you suffer? I don't understand Heni, I can't understand. You think that I am hard, you have even come to think that I don't love you. If you saw me right now, perhaps you could know how much I love you and how much I am tormented by not having the right to love you. I feel that since you left I have aged ten years. I think, I try to understand and I can only repeat something I read somewhere that says: "What agony of living, my soul, why do I love you? If I am with you you kill me and if I am without you I die." That is the truth. Help me Heni, you are stronger, more noble, more intelligent than me. I am cowardly and foolish. I really do not deserve your love, your devotion, I am worth so little, I am not even capable of facing remorse. Breaking this circle of kindness and affection that surrounds me is beyond my strength. How can you love someone so deeply who is not capable of sacrificing anything for you? And yet, I ask you to help me, to steal a few hours and days from your life. Do everything possible so that I can see you in December. Have you already thought about what we talked about regarding your law studies? Are you doing everything possible to find a place at the university?
Tomorrow I will eat with the old one, he is here, in the city, he came to fight with me, and he insists that you don't need me for anything. He says that "you will never stop traveling" and that I will only be a station on your way. A beloved station perhaps but one where you only wait for the train to leave. He is old and knows a lot, maybe in the end that is the truth.
E
